You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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