Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
