Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
