all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
