When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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