Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
