I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
