Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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