i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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