My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
