My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
