Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
