I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
