having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
