I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize