In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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