He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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