So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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