So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
