Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
