My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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