I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize