im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
