sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
