haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
