Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
