420 ftw
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
