we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just invented taco cereal.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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