I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
