Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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