Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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