Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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