I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
