when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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