I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
