im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
