So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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