you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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