I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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