please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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