I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
