Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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