His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
