I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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