By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
