Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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