oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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