my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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