ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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