Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
