I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
