He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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