I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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