I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
