I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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