Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need a beard to bite.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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