I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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