Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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