if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
