I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
