Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
