mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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