Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
